When I moved here “for good” last October I knew I had a lot of hurdles ahead of me.  Like anything in life, nothing ever comes easily (and if it does it is usually too good to be true).  Like any new experience the immediate what the heck am I doing stage sets in first.  Am I crazy?  Will this work?  What if I miss my family too much?  How will I spend my first Christmas ever without my brother, sister, mom and dad?  What will holidays be like now?  What will everyday life be like?  Can I survive it?

Then there is the trying to fit in stage.  Where do I fit in?  Who will my friends be?  What will my job be, will they like me there too?   What will I do besides work?  Does this lifestyle suit me? It’s all a bit much to take in.

And finally there’s the being yourself stage.  You realize you are no longer in your comfort zone but in a whole new place, with new people who haven’t known you your whole life.  Who don’t know the way you are when you are angry or upset or who can you share your joys with you with equal enthusiasm?  It is a hard thing letting people in sometimes- sometimes letting people see the real you is the hardest task of them all.

But time quickly passed this year… We moved into a flat with our friends Ben and Sandra and I had my first Thanksgiving with my friends here a few weeks later.  It was a good start.  I realized that by being myself and letting people in, I would fit in with the right people and it would make it feel less like what the hell am I doing and a whole lot more like I am doing the right thing for me and everything else will hopefully fall into place.  This carried on into my first actual summer here and new friends and new experiences.  My first hot Christmas playing volleyball in the backyard with Sam’s family and friends, the week leading up to New Year’s camping at the hoteo river with our friends as well.  I continued my paddleboarding job, but began teaching again (my true passion) and found my teaching continuation at Nature’s Nest where I fell in love with not only the children, but my co-workers and the families who went there as well.  It all started to feel normal.  But that’s when you have to take a look at your life and realize with the good comes the bad.  And as the summer months left, homesickness set in.  I had gotten my visa and was here to stay for at least one more year.  My mom was coming in April, so that was good at least.  We traveled around and spent Easter together and experienced new kiwi things together.  But then she left and it felt like I needed something to look forward to.  And I really didn’t like that.  It’s the same reason I think people get all blah after having a big wedding or something major happen in their life.  You have looked forward to this one thing for so long, that you need something else to fill that void.  The what’s next kind of feeling, when not much excites you as much as that big thing.  Well that isn’t how I wanted to live.

So the transformation slowly took place.  I evolved a bit so to say.  I stopped placing outward blame on my feelings and took a hard look at myself.  The fall and winter months were a bit of a blur, much of the same looking at my life and not knowing what I was really feeling, thinking, who I wanted to be, who I was then.  It is a weird little time, but something we all need at one point.  It was months on an emotional roller coaster (and not the nice smooth new ones, the old wooden rickety ones that you knew would be an interesting ride).  I spent time with different people, joined a sport- netball with some of my girl friends, put my energy into work, kept in touch with family as much as possible and just kept trying to see if all the questions floating in my head could be answered.  Then came my birthday.  It was like that big wedding I was talking about.  My dad, stepmom and sister flew on my birthday morning.  The tears flooded as I hugged them all at the airport that day.  We went that week meeting everyone in Sam and I’s life, showing them our life here and just being together.  It was amazing, just like when my mom comes- having family here makes it all complete.  And then Sam threw a surprise 30th for me… I can’t thank the people who came enough.  From all walks of my life, family, family friends, workmates, my girlfriends, our friends, rugby friends, friends who flew in to make my day special, it was the best night of my life so far to date.  Plus, a lot of them had to make an extra effort to meet my parents to play along with the surprise knowing that they’d see me that Friday night, but still seeing them throughout the week so I wouldn’t find out.  The amount of love I felt was something I will forever be grateful for.  And my partner, the thought and care that was put into inviting the special people we have met along the way and just for him doing that for me- I will never forget it as well.  After my family left, I went on with life as regular as I could.  But when you have looked forward to something for so long, it is hard to avoid the hole in your heart that is there after that time has gone.  My family had come and went for the year.  I had no plans on going home or anyone else coming for quite a while.  I was headed for another warm Christmas (still weird to me) and months of more self-discovery.  I was more confused than ever and that’s when I decided it was all too much for me and that maybe I should just go back to what I knew for so long.  

It’s all a bit strange really, looking back on it now and it seeming like such a whirlwind.  Spending 2 weeks figuring out what I was going to do with my future was as fun as having someone beat me up in a dark alley or even worse watch cricket (kidding kidding).  But in those 2 weeks, when I had nothing to lose because I thought I was going to lose so much again, was when it hit me.  Not like that ah ha moment, but slowly it started to all make sense.  My journey wasn’t just about finding love, it was also about finding myself. 

When I met Sam 2 years ago, little did I know that I/we would be where we are now.  When Sam came to the states in August 2013, we became friends instantly.  We met the first night he flew in, me in my very flattering chef whites after a long shift and him with that charming kiwi accent that I still sometimes can’t understand, but love hearing.  I still remember the day he left a few weeks later in September after he had dislocated his shoulder in his first game of rugby.  We hugged not knowing if we’d ever see each other again.  We did have a bit of a geographical disadvantage after all and we both said goodbye, thinking that we very easily could never see each other again.  But a few weeks later Sam messaged me to say a quick hi, while I was at the Jet’s season home opener, and even though it is the best game of the year- my attention was all on him.  We couldn’t stop talking about anything and everything.  We continued to build a stronger friendship and stayed in touch as much as we would and like he said in his speech to me at my 30th that is our foundation.  We are best of friends and meeting him was like seeing a glimpse of a person I wanted to be.  Little did I know that he would save me and most importantly save me from myself.  If I had stayed in New York I would have been fine, more than fine because I would be closer to family.  But I always knew there was something off- my whole entire life I felt a little lost and in need of this time.  There is something special about kiwis and the lifestyle they lead (and by that I mean the people here).  It was something I was drawn to and still am.  I feel like i’ve found myself through my travels here, through my family’s support, through my friends who really are my family now, through my partner that loves me more than I knew was possible.  At our most recent Thanksgiving a little bit ago, we went around the table and gave thanks.  It has become a tradition for us now and it is little things like that that I think back to and smile.  It’s bringing home here a little.  Little did I know that New Zealand life is like so many other cultures around the world… and I have found that I had glimpses of it along the way, living in places with people who worked to live and didn’t live to work.  Soaking up the moments, not the money.  It’s intriguing and what has made me fascinated with life here.   Realizing that it’s about all the little things in between.  It’s moments and risks, that quickly pass us by without even realizing it.  The moments and risks that will make you question what life is all about and help you understand what is important to you.  Not knowing when you will see your family next, not knowing if love will prevail or if you’ll have to start all over again after all.  When I bought my second one-way plane ticket to New Zealand, I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew it was the right thing to do.  And that inkling has opened up my life to all the beauty I see now.  The happiness I get from a phone call with my sister, or a hand-written card from my friend Bettina, or huge hug from one of the little kids at school or a kiss just because as Sam walks past me.  Putting importance on the little things has helped me see life more clearly, not through rosy colored glasses.   It’s not about focusing on the finish line or the end goal on the field of life.  It’s about sitting in the grass and picking the flowers (like my brother and I used to do as kids during soccer games).  It’s enjoying the moments and taking the risks.  And even though the destination seems intriguing remember, “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” and thank goodness for the journey and my strange and beautiful year.

Have A Very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year xo